cosmo sex tip #669

allaboardthekevintran:

when you grab his shaft, yell “pull the lever kronk”

peevesies:

i went down to the middle school today for relay for life and i saw my old social studies teacher i had a crush on (don’t talk to me) and he was like “hey how are you i haven’t seen you in ages?” and the first thing i blurted out was “I JUST TURNED 18” and jesus christ if that’s not the thirstiest thing i’ve said in my whole life

gayrus:

list of my friends:

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hey guys haha ready for my first high school partayyyy!!!! where do i set this box of capri sun

(Source: dampsandwich)

cock:

block

dickspeightjr:

dickspeightjr:

what did hitler say right before he died

i did nazi that coming

just kidding hitler killed himself

(Source: caleb-denecour)

• (I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
• Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”
• Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
• Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
• Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”
• (I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)